Diary of Licensed Pirate

S.O.B.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 09:19:44 +0530

An eighteen year old virgin girl speaks confidentially to her lecturer who is a horny, dirty old man.

"Sir, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the lecturer asked.

"Because he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes sir."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes sir."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes sir."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes sir," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But sir, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Novel Treatment For A Cough

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:10:51 +0530

The owner of a pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? But it works. Look at him. Now he's afraid to cough!"

Rude Customer

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 10:32:57 +0530

An oily, disreputable looking fellow walks into a bank with a large sack on his back. Seeing an open teller, the man walks up to the young lady and places the sack on the counter.

"I want to open a f***ing savings account!" the man grunts.

"I am sorry sir, we prefer politer customers," she replied, offended.

"Okay, look I just wanna open a f***ing banking account."

"I'm sorry, but you just can't speak that way."

The supervisor, seeing the trouble went over to check on the situation. She got there and got the story from the teller. Trying another tack, she decided to handle the situation herself.

"How can I help you?" she asked, all smiles.

"Listen, I would like to open a F***ING savings account!"

"I am sorry, but we do not deal with people who use vulgar language."

Finally the smart, down-to-earth bank manager came over to settle the matter.

"What is the matter here?" he asked.

"Look," replied the customer, "I just won 47 million dollars in the lottery and I wanted to open a f***ing savings account to deposit all the cash in."

"And are these two bitches giving you any trouble?" quickly replied the wily manager!

The Three Generals

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 11:43:17 +0530

The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.

The two generals were very happy with their earnings.

Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his penis to the base of his testes. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''

The general said no.

''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''

The general said, ''Just do it!''

The man dropped the general's pants and measured his appendage. When he went for the general's testes, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your testes?''

The general said, ''Oh, I left them back in Vietnam!''

Aerial Photography

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:51:36 +0530

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos
from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made.

He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!''

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

The Ultimate Female Joke

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 09:06:05 +0530

It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke, a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hope that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her....... (As men often will).

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do any thing, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00..... on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:

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"Clean My House!"

Best Comeback Response Of The Year

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 07:54:44 +0530

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

How to Ripen Tomatoes

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 07:09:25 +0530

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and walk around naked. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she paraded around the garden naked hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but the cucumbers have become enormous though!"

Medical Advances

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 07:59:32 +0530

An Israeli doctor says:'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
AGerman doctor says:'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
ARussian doctor says:'In my country, medicine is so far progressed that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.' TheMalaysian doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains, from a remote part of the country, made him the Prime Minister for 5 years, and now half the country is looking for work!'

Quantam Theory Of Socks

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 09:06:55 +0530

Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).

On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalised exclusion principle--it is impossible for two socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish.

Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in--the only time you know where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing colour, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way, socks may possess Colour and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.